Darren Criss and Matt Bomer covered Gotye's "Somebody That I Used to Know," and while the song doesn't really have anything to with this post, it's the title that got me thinking about this person I used to know.
For the last week or so, I've let my eating somewhat go to hell, and as a result, I've been feeling guilty as hell. Even now, when I'm still 30-35 pounds lighter than I was at my heaviest, exercising fairly regularly, and eating mostly healthy--when I look in the mirror I still see this girl:
I see the girl who couldn't walk up a flight of stairs, or the hill by her house, without getting out of breath. I see the girl who refused to move off the couch to play and run outside because she was afraid of looking like a fool. I see the girl who wasn't strong enough to illegally climb over the gates of her university's football stadium to play ultimate Frisbee, but who was so embarrassed to have her friends boost her, because it wasn't easy for them to do. I see the girl who wore baggy, shapeless, ugly clothing because that represented her.
There are so many things I couldn't and wouldn't do because I was so unhealthy. And now, I can walk up that hill by my house in just a few minutes without my breathing spiking the least little bit. I am excited about hiking 3000 feet up to the top of Squaw Peak in Utah (a six-mile round trip affair). I can go on double-digit mile runs without stopping. I relish piggy-back rides and hugs that lift me off the ground.
But whenever I eat a few too many sweets, or I'm just too tired from work to go on my scheduled training run, or I go over what I think my calorie limit should be, the guilt and shame is overwhelming. Suddenly, my accomplishments are diminished. I feel the same panic that I won't be able to fit through a narrow spot, or that my dancing buddy won't be able to lift me, or that when I eat, all eyes are on me. Or that I have to forget the clothes on the small end of the sizing spectrum and go back to the large end.
I'm the chubby girl again.
I don't know how to get her out of my head or my mirror. And I don't think I will ever be able to lose the last several pounds to get to where my head and my body will agree with each other, if I can't figure this vicious cycle out.
Do any of you ever feel this way? How do you deal with these emotions? What can I do to motivate myself when I feel myself falling back from reaching my goals?
4 comments:
I have an article I am emailing to you.
The title of your post reminds me of my current favorite radio song...gives me goose bumps each time.
Move confidently in the direction of your dreams and you will forget about the occasional discord between your body and your mind!
I know you feel self-conscious and unsure of yourself, but even when I looked at those pictures you posted on the your "Pictures" tab, even the ones where I know you didn't feel beautiful, I see someone very beautiful indeed. Even at your heaviest, Chess, you were gorgeous.
My friend is going through a similar thing to you, and it pains me to see her get so upset about how she feels. She never outright says it, but you can tell that she doesn't feel beautiful, and she worries that every bite needs to be worked off at the gym. I try to tell her she doesn't need to worry, but she doesn't want to listen.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, you're not alone. But, you're a beautiful, sweet, and wonderful person who does not need to beat herself over something like this. You're perfect as you were before, as you are right now, and as you'll be in 20 years time. Don't forget that.
I know guilt well. I also know poor body image. Both suck hard core! For what it is worth I think you are very beautiful and I am so proud of you for all of your accomplishments. Even with my training for my race I still can't imagine running multiple digit miles. That is definitely something to be proud of!
And while you might have some dietary slip ups or missed training sessions it doesn't mean you've undone everything you've already worked so hard for. So what you missed a day? That doesn't mean anything if you get right back to it the next day, or even the day after that. One slip up won't ruin everything.
You go girl!!
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